You've probably all noticed, at least the ones who were keeping up with me regularly, that since my bestie left in January, I've been more often than not....missing. I finally figured out part of what the problem was. I don't do well when I'm overwhelmed. I came back when there was still a lot going on in my life, and immediately tried to get right back into blogging the way I'd been going before. Well, obviously I wasn't quite ready for that. I read a LOT trying to catch up, and after a day or two I just felt defeated. Like I'd never catch up. I wanted to pick up on my novel, to spend more time with my daughter, to get some things done around the house, and a million other things, and at the end of the day, I just couldn't manage it all. The sleeping thing is kicking my rear end right now, STILL, I can't seem to get caught up, so I'm always tired and sneaking up the stairs for a quick nap which turns into three of four hours. Ugh.
I'm still here. I'm going to try to manage this differently now, maybe post every other day or something, until I can get back into the swing of things. So many wonderful people have given me awards and I swear I haven't forgotten you, I just.....bleh.....I got overwhelmed with what I felt like I NEEDED to do and then defeated so I stepped away again. I'm not going to apologize because I've been spending time with my kiddo, and the hubs and it's been great. There have been nights we've all sat on the couch together and watched HOURS of television together which we NEVER do.
I've also started crocheting again, with Kitty no less. Yep, we both decided to do something fun and that's what we chose. We're having a blast with it.
The BEST news of all though........you ready?
My disability was approved. I get my retroactive payment on Friday and start getting regular monthly benefits next month. I'm finally vindicated. Finally, I don't have to feel guilty because I can't stay awake long enough to work a regular job, or guilty because I can't make it through the day without a nap or three. Does it help any other way? Other than financially I mean? Not really, I still feel like I'm getting about a quarter of the life that other people get, I still feel like I miss SO much that life has to offer, and I still get frustrated because without the medications that no longer help, my focus is for shit. I start cleaning the kitchen and before I'm even a quarter done, I've seen something else somewhere and I'm going gung ho to do that. Needless to say my entire house is about one quarter clean, and unfortunately, that quarter is scattered throughout the whole thing.
I'm thrilled though honestly. To think that we can make our house payment every month, can buy groceries and pay the bills is just.....well there aren't really words. After pulling miracles out of my butt for five years, finally the tunnel has come to an end and I'm basking in the light.
So I guess for now I'll leave it at that, you know why I've been lagging, how come I haven't been myself, and maybe, just maybe now that the stress has lessened, it'll be easier to be more myself than I have been lately. I miss you guys SO much, I miss writing here, and hopefully, I can kick myself into gear and get back to normal now, or soon anyway. Wish me luck!