20 November 2010

Growing Old Gracefully - You're Kidding Right?

My first post on the new blog. I'm having a party to celebrate and you're all invited. The address is....hm. Probably shouldn't do that. Skip the party, I'll be thinking about you. I promise. Or maybe watching new wrinkles form around my eyes.

No, I'm not growing old gracefully. I've got a jackhammer with my name all over it and honey, I'm not afraid to use it! If I had the money, I'd be having face lifts and botox injections so I too could look like every celebrity that's managed to stick around past their twenties. No, I have no shame. Not when it comes to aging. 

I. Don't. Like. It.

At all. One little bit. Nary at all. It sucks. I want my butt back. I'd like to be able to find my boobs without sending out a search and rescue party when I lie down. I want to go to bed without smelling of formaldehyde. In little sexy outfits even. I want my bedside table back.  I used to have pretty little things there. Photographs, candles, a little journal. 

Now I can't even find a place to lay my phone down for the bottles of creams and fillers....UGH.....yes ladies and gentlemen, they call them fillers. Like putty. Or spackle. What kind of marketing genius is that huh? Now I can feel like a house without even looking at my rear end in the mirror. Oh wait......I don't have a rear end anymore.  

Now, I have a magnifying mirror. Tweezers. Fillers. Hair color. Dare I say it.....a girdle even. I haven't reached the depths of depravity that would cause me to actually wear it, but it's there for when that day comes. I can no longer combine comfort and sexy. If I look good, I have to pay the piper. If I'm comfy, well I darn sure don't look good. We won't even talk swimsuits. I refuse to bow down to the requirements of age where swimwear is concerned. I'd rather remain pasty, even if my family has to wear shades when I show my legs.

I spend my nights tweezing, buffing, exfoliating, slathering, shaping, sloughing, shaving, stretching and weeping for the days when my bedtime ritual consisted of a shower and a sexy little nightie.

To make matters worse, I live with an eighteen year old daughter.

Am I jealous of her? Naaaah. Would I rip off her left boob to have her body? Maybe. Who am I kidding, I'd settle for just her skin. When you're that age, you can still use the term alabaster when talking skin. At my age, words like granite, concrete and stucco come to mind.  

So yes, I'm fighting. Kicking. Screaming. Swearing from time to time. And when I have money, I'm hitting up the aisles at Walgreens for the next new miracle that promises to restore youth and elasticity. I'm stalking Victoria's Secret picking out the bras I want when I have a nice young doctor put my nipples back where they're supposed to be. I'm considering asking my husband for that chemical he uses at work to see if I can make a do it yourself botox cocktail.

Until that time comes, you can find me in my cow pajamas with makeup case in hand.  Just in case I have to go to the mailbox. After all, we all know the second you walk out of the front door in your pajamas and no makeup is when Hugh Jackman will wander up to your house, lost and looking for the nearest Starbucks.


  1. Goodness me! You write so well. I couldn't stop laughing after all the clever ways you describe the changes we all go through when we grow old (I'm only 22, but I'm not looking forward to it). I love this though. You add such lightness and comedy to it. It's graceful in it's own wonderful way.

    And I am all about your last paragraph. OI have mentioned before that I would marry Hugh Jackman if he were 10 years younger and unmarried and I do put on makeup every time before leaving the house because you just never know. :)

  2. Pssht girl, I'd stuff Deb's body in a duffel bag and whisk him away to some deserted island for a small beachside ceremony without a second thought!

    Glad you like the blog, I was having some issues making my writing blog a bit TOO random, so figured I could vent and rant and such here and keep it more focused there lol

    As far as the age thing, I'll tell you the same thing I told my daughter the other day. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. If only I'd listened to MY mother when she told me that! :)

  3. http://loveiseverywhere.blogspot.com/2010/12/just-to-remind-you.html

    Enough said! :)

  4. This is the best post I have read in a long time. I was laughing the whole way through!

    I'd love a follow back @ http://myadventures-in-mommyland.blogspot.com

  5. I love the pictures first of all then as I was reading I couldn't stop laughing...LOL! Whewww! I will let my husband read this just to give him an idea. I'm your newest follower.

  6. Ah Ha, how funny and you must have way more energy than I. When I turned 50 I put "go gray" on my bucket list...and did it! I had been doing the "cut and color" every 5 weeks @ $170 a pop and 3 hours...long, long hours in the chair. I gave up! I said NO MORE will this consume me, rob me of joy, I am woman! Watch me go gray...and when I told mom (71 and dark chocolate brown) she freaked "No you're not!" she exclaimed. "Watch Me." I promised...and I did and it's okay and I saved $170/mo that's about $1800. Where'd it go? I thought I would take a cruise to celebrate. Love your blog, the bright red colors this month. New follower over from Love with Katie

  7. Thanks everyone! Glad you enjoyed, it's funny what we'll do in the sake of vanity! Husbands should be thankful that they all get old and distinguished! Bleh, so not fair!

    I color and cut my hair myself and I've pondered going gray, but my hair now (in my mid forties) is totally gray! I've been coloring it um, dark red? Burgundy? (not a color naturally occurring in anyone btw)for a loooong time and when I tried, I looked so much older I couldn't deal with it! When it grows out there's such a huge difference it's incredible! If I ever do it completely, I'll have to do the salon thing and have them pull all the color and just take it from there because I can't stand the white roots!

    I'm so glad to have all of you here! Hope you'll continue to enjoy and leave lovies for me! I love comments!

    <3 Donna

  8. LOL..I couldn't stop laughing! I love this post.

    Eelynn @ babies


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