13 December 2010

Words Fail, Hearts Break, Life Goes On

It's funny how things can change in an instant.  How one little event can leave you feeling like nothing will ever be the same again.  I knew when I had a child there would be times that would make me question myself, my parenting ability, my own confidence, but I'm finding that having an adult daughter comes with it's own set of problems, ones that can't be solved with a big hug and a snuggle on the sofa.

Today, I'm torn between shaking her and screaming at her to open her eyes and see the truth, and sitting back heartbroken watching her find her own way in the world and in her relationships.

It's so easy to see things from the outside in, and it's so hard to stay on the outside, looking in, seeing the train wreck that's coming and having to stand aside helpless to anything other than wait for it, and be ready to offer those hugs when the world as she knows it crashes around her.

Having a job, helping our family financially was so much more important than I would have ever dreamed.  Having lost that, I've struggled for the past four years to find some kind of purpose for my own life.  Some days I do okay, others not so much.  As hard as I tried to find a job, and I do mean thousands of applications, hours and hours of scouring job sites, clicking on links, submitting resumes, nothing would shake loose.  I was okay for a while, I felt purpose just from looking for a job.  But eventually I gave up on that even.  Three years with not a nibble or a bite tends to take the fight out of you.

Now with every month that rolls around, every mortgage payment we don't have, every time the power gets cut off, or the gas or water, every time I have to call and ask for extensions on my bills or call the bank and try to have an overdraft fee reversed, everytime I have to fix food I wouldn't have if it weren't for the kindness of others, I feel a little bit less like a woman.  Ugh.  That just slipped out.  I've never really hit it like that.

A woman is supposed to be the heart of the family.  The one everyone turns to, the one who makes everything alright.  The one that no matter what has everything in control and manages to make everything turn out okay in the end.  The one who heals the broken hearts, soothes wounded pride, helps her children find themselves in the world.

I haven't felt that in a very long time.  I don't talk about it much, I'm a very private person when it comes to the things that matter, but today it's all leaking out and I can't seem to stop it.

My next door neighbor can't find her cat.  That might seem out of place in this post, but she was on vacation and I was supposed to be taking care of Daisy.  She's older than dirt, sick, horribly thin, and until day before yesterday she was at her house, and she was fine.  Now she's missing, and I feel responsible.  She was here the other night, clawing at the door wanting in.  I've got a dozen damn cats in the house and yet I didn't let her in.  She was lonely.  And now she's missing.

Life - 1; Donna - 0

My daughter....ugh.  She's racing full speed toward having her heart broken, and she can't see it.  She's with a bastard who has sucked all the self worth she had out through his infantile manipulations, left her feeling like she's not normal, that she's LUCKY he loves her because she doesn't deserve love.

Every guy that knows her wants to be with her and she insists that if they KNEW her like the boyfriend does, they wouldn't.  That he's the only one who really knows her and loves her anyway.  How do you call that love?  She's missing out on so many opportunities because she's settled for someone who treats her like she doesn't matter.  Sure he has his charming moments, but HOW can she not see what I see?  A stubborn, selfish, childish human being who will never change.  He's almost 21 years old and hasn't worked for the past two years.  My daughter has never been on a real date.  He manages to ruin every single special day in her life one way or another.

How did this happen?  Why couldn't I do anything to stop it?  Why didn't I see that he was blinding her to all the things that make her wonderful?  It's not just that she's my daughter either.  She's got a heart as big as all outdoors, she loves to help people, to make people smile.  She'd do anything for a friend.  She worries about me when I'm upset.  She cries when I do.  Her spirit is so beautiful, and it's like a little bird, trapped in a big ugly cage, beating it's little wings until they're broken and bleeding and it hurts me so badly I can't even express the pain.

Everyone says she's got to do this.  She has to learn and discover on her own, but if you've ever given birth to a tiny baby girl, ever held that fragile little body in your hands and known with all your heart that she's truly yours, that you're responsible for her, for helping her grow up to be a beautiful, wonderful woman, you'll know that doesn't make it better.  I can't help but feel like I've failed some massive mother test, that I've let her down in a way that is totally and completely unforgivable.

I want so badly to fix this, to fix everything.  To go back to when our lives were different.  To when I could kiss her little boo boos, slap on a Hello Kitty bandaid and wait for that smile to shine through the tears.  Hers and mine.


  1. Ugh. I knew this was how you were feeling. I hate it, because it's NOT YOUR FAULT. I guess it doesn't mean as much coming from me, because you think I am biased, but it true all the same. Today might have been a glass have empty day instead of a glass half full day, but things will work out. I know it's hard to have patience, but that is all we can do. Plus, your words to her are NOT ignored. She might not act like she is listening, but it's churning away in that 18 year old brain of hers, trust me on that.

    As her mother, I know it must be difficult to stand by and know a train wreck is coming. It's difficult for me as a father but you're just going to have to trust in what you have taught her because I'm certain that eventually that learning will take over and things will work out.

    Have faith, no matter how hard it is, and hang on.

  2. Donna.. wow! I don't even know where to start. First, you're truly amazing. I can tell you are one extraordinary mom and I know you're daughter sees that! I keep telling myself.. only work with what you can carry. Don't put too much on yourself, Donna because you need your strength. Unfortunately, we can't fix everything as easy it is to say it's so hard to do. Just keep an openmind that your daughter will find herself and what's important. It may take some time and more heart ache but she'll have to learn for herself (again I know its so very hard to do, just taking steps back and not being able to pull her out of the situation). I believe that good has to come out of every bad situation. In time things will fall into place, just work with what you can carry! One thing at a time! :)

    You're wonderful, you really are!

  3. PS! Aww I missed your hop! :(


  4. Wow, Donna. This was such an honest and open post, and I can understand being personal, but it pouring out of you, that happens sometimes. I'm really glad that you allowed it to, then had the courage to share it with the world. I know that others will be blessed by this.

    My babies are still young, and home with me, I still can hug & kiss their booboos away, so I don't know what its like to be feeling the way you do. I do know, however, that my mother felt this way about me for a long time. It was hard to watch me fall, I'm sure, but I'm glad she let me make my own mistakes, and what the gentleman said above is true - the learning did take over & things did work out.

    Just the fact that you feel as deeply & strongly about this, speaks volumes about the kind of mother you are, the bond you have with your daughter, and how things will eventually work out...

  5. I feel a interesting bond with you. I once was your daughter and now I am you. Isn't life funny how it comes full circle. I do not have any daughters, but I too lost my job and feel the same way you do. I know it is difficult to watch your daughter go through this, but the best thing you can do is just be there for her and ALWAYS be forgiving. That will prove to be priceless when she needs you the most.

  6. By the way...I'm a fellow blog hopper:)

  7. Keep her in prayer... we've all been through this and it's never easy.
    Stopping by and following your blog from the More Love Monday blog hop...
    Have a happy holiday season!

  8. Donna,
    I am so sad you are feeling like this tonight. I truly feel sad...I can only offer this: I have raised three, yes THREE grown daughters and I have LIVED to tell the tale! ;) My youngest is now 21 so I made it out alive! LOL Some days it is just so hard to sit back and let them make those mistakes...I know, I truly know. I offer my friendship and shoulder for ya babe!


  9. her bf sounds like my hubby... that's not good... since my mom died my hubby has failed to do ANYTHING even one flower for mothers day...

    Her spirit is so beautiful, and it's like a little bird, trapped in a big ugly cage, beating it's little wings until they're broken and bleeding and it hurts me so badly I can't even express the pain. <---- that was so beautifully put! divine.

  10. Aww Donna things will get alright. Give your daughter time I know it is very difficult but try. This post made me cry. You're a wonderful woman and never let anything pull you down doll. I am just a message/blog away if you ever need me!! <3 <3

  11. We're fixers, Donna. Each and everyone one of us women. We don't like people to be sad, or angry, or manipulated, and we take it upon ourselves to make it right.

    If it is any consolation, even if your daughter's boyfriend breaks her heart, it won't break her. It may be hard, but she will find a way to muddle through. There's too much proof in her mother's character (that's you!) and her upbringing for it not to be true.

  12. This hurts me to read because i have two young girls who are growing quickly and worry about them so very much and love them as much as you love yours....it's always important for me to be so involved in their lives but at the same time I need to give them space....just be as supportive as you are.... all she needs to hear from you is that you love her and your there for her. Don't bash him or talk much about the negative things he brings to her. simply tell her she deserves love in all the right places and she is worthy. Good Lord....why'd ya have to make this world so BIG. we need to be closer...i wish I could take y'all out for dinner and share a chat! love ya lots babe....God is good and there is hope....Have faith and trust in him! xoxo


Make a Mama Kitty happy today! Say hi!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...