Words Fail, Hearts Break, Life Goes On

It's funny how things can change in an instant.  How one little event can leave you feeling like nothing will ever be the same again.  I knew when I had a child there would be times that would make me question myself, my parenting ability, my own confidence, but I'm finding that having an adult daughter comes with it's own set of problems, ones that can't be solved with a big hug and a snuggle on the sofa.

Today, I'm torn between shaking her and screaming at her to open her eyes and see the truth, and sitting back heartbroken watching her find her own way in the world and in her relationships.

It's so easy to see things from the outside in, and it's so hard to stay on the outside, looking in, seeing the train wreck that's coming and having to stand aside helpless to anything other than wait for it, and be ready to offer those hugs when the world as she knows it crashes around her.

Having a job, helping our family financially was so much more important than I would have ever dreamed.  Having lost that, I've struggled for the past four years to find some kind of purpose for my own life.  Some days I do okay, others not so much.  As hard as I tried to find a job, and I do mean thousands of applications, hours and hours of scouring job sites, clicking on links, submitting resumes, nothing would shake loose.  I was okay for a while, I felt purpose just from looking for a job.  But eventually I gave up on that even.  Three years with not a nibble or a bite tends to take the fight out of you.

Now with every month that rolls around, every mortgage payment we don't have, every time the power gets cut off, or the gas or water, every time I have to call and ask for extensions on my bills or call the bank and try to have an overdraft fee reversed, everytime I have to fix food I wouldn't have if it weren't for the kindness of others, I feel a little bit less like a woman.  Ugh.  That just slipped out.  I've never really hit it like that.

A woman is supposed to be the heart of the family.  The one everyone turns to, the one who makes everything alright.  The one that no matter what has everything in control and manages to make everything turn out okay in the end.  The one who heals the broken hearts, soothes wounded pride, helps her children find themselves in the world.

I haven't felt that in a very long time.  I don't talk about it much, I'm a very private person when it comes to the things that matter, but today it's all leaking out and I can't seem to stop it.

My next door neighbor can't find her cat.  That might seem out of place in this post, but she was on vacation and I was supposed to be taking care of Daisy.  She's older than dirt, sick, horribly thin, and until day before yesterday she was at her house, and she was fine.  Now she's missing, and I feel responsible.  She was here the other night, clawing at the door wanting in.  I've got a dozen damn cats in the house and yet I didn't let her in.  She was lonely.  And now she's missing.

Life - 1; Donna - 0

My daughter....ugh.  She's racing full speed toward having her heart broken, and she can't see it.  She's with a bastard who has sucked all the self worth she had out through his infantile manipulations, left her feeling like she's not normal, that she's LUCKY he loves her because she doesn't deserve love.

Every guy that knows her wants to be with her and she insists that if they KNEW her like the boyfriend does, they wouldn't.  That he's the only one who really knows her and loves her anyway.  How do you call that love?  She's missing out on so many opportunities because she's settled for someone who treats her like she doesn't matter.  Sure he has his charming moments, but HOW can she not see what I see?  A stubborn, selfish, childish human being who will never change.  He's almost 21 years old and hasn't worked for the past two years.  My daughter has never been on a real date.  He manages to ruin every single special day in her life one way or another.

How did this happen?  Why couldn't I do anything to stop it?  Why didn't I see that he was blinding her to all the things that make her wonderful?  It's not just that she's my daughter either.  She's got a heart as big as all outdoors, she loves to help people, to make people smile.  She'd do anything for a friend.  She worries about me when I'm upset.  She cries when I do.  Her spirit is so beautiful, and it's like a little bird, trapped in a big ugly cage, beating it's little wings until they're broken and bleeding and it hurts me so badly I can't even express the pain.

Everyone says she's got to do this.  She has to learn and discover on her own, but if you've ever given birth to a tiny baby girl, ever held that fragile little body in your hands and known with all your heart that she's truly yours, that you're responsible for her, for helping her grow up to be a beautiful, wonderful woman, you'll know that doesn't make it better.  I can't help but feel like I've failed some massive mother test, that I've let her down in a way that is totally and completely unforgivable.

I want so badly to fix this, to fix everything.  To go back to when our lives were different.  To when I could kiss her little boo boos, slap on a Hello Kitty bandaid and wait for that smile to shine through the tears.  Hers and mine.

Rain Rain, Change to Snow. Please?

Yes, it's a rainy day in the town that ruined Christmas.

I'm refusing to watch the weather, instead waking up every morning hoping there's some of that lovely white stuff on the ground.  So far, that one little dusting is all we've gotten.  I refuse to believe that we'll be denied snow this winter.  They said it would be a dry season, (unlike dry county, which would suck, just so you know) but it's been raining for daaaaaaaaaaays.  How is that dry, dear weatherman?  Now all I need is a little cold air, a nor'easter and some good old fashioned luck.

Surprisingly, I woke up at 11:30 a.m. this morning.  Yeah, for me that's more like it.  Not that I didn't enjoy waking up at the butt crack of dawn, I got a lot done, but I pay for it.  Dearly.  As in "Oh honey, I'm so glad you suggested.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".  No, not sex you pervs!  Although come to think of it, that's probably exactly what he was suggesting.  Hm.  Funny.

So hubs is out doing his good deed taking a friend without a license around town to pick up some things he needed.  The kitty princess is still in her nice warm waterbed, bestie is working, and I'm all alone for the most part in a quiet house.  I'm thinking a cup of russian tea and a movie is in my immediate future.  And maybe a warm furry body or two snuggled up on the couch with me.  Oh and lots of candles.

I really do enjoy these little quiet times I manage to steal in the middle of the day.  I don't mind going out, I'm one of those people who dread the thought until I'm actually out, then I enjoy it, but I'm most assuredly a home body.  I've spent the last 17 years making my house a home and for the most part, I love it.  There's too much stuff, too many plants, way too many cats, and it forever needs vacuuming, but it's mine and it makes me happy being here.  Not to mention I appreciate it a whole lot more since we've almost lost it three times now.  And knowing Bank of America, you can add counting.  Three times and counting.  They seem to love my home as much as I do if the times they've tried to foreclose on it count for anything.

I know I've got another blog to post on, and more people to discover and more lovies to leave here and there, but ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a little me time!  Now I just hope I don't turn the tv on and someone had it on the weather channel.  Bleh.  We WILL have snow damnit!  I insist, and we all know....

When Mama Kitty's not happy, nobody's happy.

Until later lovies!  Toodles!

It's Seriously Too Early!

Youngling is at school taking her ACT test, Mama Kitty is still attempting to cough up a lung or two, and OMG a chocolate chip cookie was probably not good idea for breakfast.  You know the "give a mouse a cookie" syndrome?  Well it works for Mama Kitties too.  Except with coffee.  Or cocoa, or Russian tea, but the problem is that Mama Kitty wants to go back to sleep, not get up and go make any of the above.

Mama Kitty got about six hours of sleep last night which is oh, at least four hours less than she needs in a single night.  Not including naps of course.  Did I mention it's cold?  Reaaaally cold?  Sitting here rocking the knit scarf wrapped around my neck, but the back door is open.  Why?  Because there are kitten cats that like to go in and out.  And in and out.  And in and out.  And in and out.

Sigh.  Will I never learn?  Probably not.  Waiting for Juliet to reappear and then it's nap time!  Why they want to be outside when it's perfectly warm in here is beyond me, but hey, that's the ONE thing I can't commiserate with them over.  Sleeping, yes.  Being petted yes.  Being spoiled, yep.  Leaving a nice warm house to go hunt various small critters in the backyard.  Nope.  Granted the door is only open a little bit, but the cow slippers aren't really doing their job to keep the toesies warm since even a little bit equates to arctic breezes caressing them.

Arctic is pretty in pictures.  Not in cow slippers.

Oh wherefore art thou Juliet?!?!?!  Come in where it's warm and toasty and we can snuggle in the blankets and I'll rub your belly!

Okay, it's official, I'm insane.  I'm leaving without her.  In a minute.

I told you guys my inspection sticker on my truck was expired right?  Well I took an empty cool whip bowl and filled it with warm water and went outside and filled it up with dirt.  Yep.  Made mud.  Splashed it all over my truck, making sure to cover up the bright yellow sticker that proudly screams 11 / 10 and that I'm a horrible procrastinator all at once.  I have to hand it to hubs, it was his idea, but a good one.

I passed probably 12,000 police officers the first day and not one of them pulled me.  BUT....that night I went to bed and in the midst of a really strange dream I dreamed that Juliet got hit by a police car.  My daughter of course, the Freudian genius that she is says I'm extrapolating or something.  That Juliet isn't going to be hit by a police car, but hey, now I'm skittish.  It probably wasn't 12,000 either, but it felt like it.  The conscience is a powerful thing, and guilt seems to be one of it's specialties.

So to make a long story, well shorter since it's already been long, that's why I'm sitting her freezing my toesies off waiting for Juliet to reappear.  See?  It's not crazy at all!  Right?

Gonna try the front door now, and then I swear I'm going back to bed!

Til next time!  Toodles!

Oh Noes!

I'm sicky!  Again.  Ugh.

Not bad though, but that's why I was feeling so icky yesterday I think.

On the plus side, I did get the rest of the decorations up, I got the trash ready to take to the dump, I got the bed made, did some Christmas shopping for my mother, got the youngling picked up from work, cheated on dinner and stopped at BK, fed the neighbors cat, AND got cat food!  As much as I wanted to crawl in the younglings' water bed, I resisted and actually felt pretty accomplished at the end of the day when I crawled in to my fresh newly made bed and promptly passed out.

Unfortunately, that's when I decided that I was sicky.  A cold or maybe bronchitis left over from being sick as a dog earlier this month.  I went to sleep great, but woke up sometime in the middle of the night having as asthma attack and attempting to cough up not one, but both lungs.  Nose stopped up, achy, congested, icky.

Today has been a little bit better, got some errands run, got the youngling from school and to work again which is making me wish she could drive even though I'm having nightmares of 900 car pile-ups with her as the cause.  I did not however, go back out into the cold to freeze my arse off while figuring out how come only one third of the outside tree is lit.  Our neighbors will just have to deal for a while.

I wrote my post for my other blog, and got around a wee bit there leaving some love on my blog besties pages, so I'm going to try to do more of that when I'm finished here.  Oh and I'll mention it here since I did there too!  I've got three guest bloggers lined up for the first week in January when my bestie is here visiting, so if anyone is interested, let me know!

Tomorrow the youngling has to take her ACT test at the school, so it's another early morning for the Mama Kitty.  I'm gonna so go back to bed though and hiberate after that.  No school, no work, she's heading to the evil, horrid, terrible boyfriends house, or so I'm told now.  Who knows.

So I guess that's all for the day, thanks for all the comments and lovies from yesterday, you guys are so totally awesome it's ridiculous!

Until next time, Toodles!

Overdoing it....Again.

Sometimes I forget about the narcolepsy. I have days that it's not so bad, some days that I can manage to actually get some stuff done. I love those days, but lately? I've had too many in a row I think. I'm totally exhausted. Physically and mentally.

My stepfather has been feeling bad, which means I'm trying to pick up some of his stuff for my Mom who is legally blind.  Not the legally blind where you can still do anything, the legally blind that is just a smidgen away from total darkness.  She can't drive, has a hard time getting around, especially when there are sounds like music or the television or such.  They tend to upset her balance and she ends up with black eyes and busted shins.

Anyway, today I promised her I'd take her to WalMart to get groceries.  Now that the kiddo is working, between that and school my time is chunked up to where it's hard to plan anything.  Sooo, against my better judgment, I said I'd be there at 9:00 a.m.  Remember I said I'd been waking up inexplicably early?  Well of course this morning that didn't happen.  I rolled out of bed at 8:30, grabbed clothes that I hope match because I still haven't bothered to look.  Went out of the house with wet hair in 18 degree weather and barely got to her house on time.

My Mom is a stickler for being on time.  No matter what.  So no way was I going to be late.  That would have disrupted her ENTIRE day and thrown her for a loop.  I don't get it, since I'm late everywhere.  I was polishing my nails five minutes before I walked down the aisle to get married.  But that's another story, I'll try not to ramble too much here.

So we get to WalMart, get her groceries, text my daughter to let her know I'm not going to make it by 11:30 so she can take a nap before work, and end up picking her up at the time she normally gets out which is a little after noon.  She's anxious for a nap, and my Mom, bless her heart wants to eat out.  No nap for the youngling today.  We did enjoy a really good lunch, Chinese, which my Mom adores, and I got the youngling home in time to nap for a half hour still before we had to leave to get her to work.

I was struggling to stay awake all the way there, and managed to wake up a little bit driving home with both windows down and Three Days Grace blaring from the speakers.  I think people thought I was crazy because it's cooooold out there, but I needed the freeze to stay awake!  I was awake enough when I got home that I dragged out the little trees for the front yard and the three deer and set them up, got them hooked up and lit even though about three-quarters of one tree is going to be dark tonight.  I'm not up for standing out there freezing my buns off to check the bulbs.

I still need to get the rest of the wreaths and candles in the window, rescue the two that the wind blew into the bushes a day or two ago, take out the trash, feed the neighbors cat, put my bedsheets in the dryer so I can make the bed before time to crawl in it, figure out when to go out and get a few tiny things I need for a project and pick the youngling up from work at 9:30.  Ugh, and dinner.  And stop by the store since I forgot to get cat food at WalMart.  Why I don't get two bags at a time I have no idea because they go through it faster than I can get it.  No wonder they're all little butterballs.

Anyway, as much as I've been enjoying blogging, I'm just too freaking tired today to get into the spirit of it.  I went to a few blogs and left comments and every time I sit down at my desk I just want to drop my head onto the top and sleep.  I can't go get in the bed for an hour or two because the sheets are still in the washing machine!  Of course......the youngling has a waterbed.....a nice, soft, warm waterbed.....hm....

I guess I just wanted to say if you don't hear from me for a day or two I haven't disappeared, I'll catch up soon, I've been doing so good, and who knows, maybe tonight I'll have a sudden burst of energy and catch up then, but if not, don't think I've forgotten you, still love you guys, and still love to hear from you, I just need some sleep, and if not sleep at least a little bit of rest.  Thanks to all of you who have stopped by from various blog hops, I loved reading all the new comments and I can't wait to get around and visit everyone and leave love on your pages too!

So until later, toodles and lovies!

Hop with an Angel!

Well, maybe not a REAL angel, but pretty darn close!  This is Kate's hop over at Love is Everywhere so you should all totally go there NOW and tell her hello and how wonderful she is!  I promise just visiting her blog and reading for a minute or two will have you smiling from ear to ear!  So go do that and have a wonderful Thursday, and well a few hours of Wednesday too!

Telling on the Hubs!

Since this is the manly post of the holiday season, there won't be any pin up girls posted in the post.

Wait....maybe there SHOULD be pin up girls in the post if it's a manly post.

Hm....

Oh well, since I'm adding lots of pictures I think we can skip the pretties for now!

I posted some pictures a day or two ago of some of my favorite ornaments on our tree and the hubs said "Thank God you didn't show mine so everyone would know what a geek I was!"

You know what that means right?  Without further rambling, here are some of the hubs fave ornaments on our tree!

The infamous sock monkey.  The youngling bought it for him so of course it's a fave!

Awww, isn't it cute!  He made this in Kindergarten!  Okay this is one of MY faves, he'll be mortified it's here.

Funny how he hung these together isn't it?  Can you say passion?

 Yes my friends, it's the Starship Enterprise.  And it plugs in.

Okay, I'm cheating this is another of my faves.  But he better love it too!

Yes.  Yoda.  On my tree.

When we first got married, we made a trip to the Christmas Mouse in Williamsburg.  At the time he was all into fantasy, wizards and dragons and such, and we found these little crystal castle ornaments that we both loved.  Unfortunately this is the only one that's survived the past twenty years, but it's still beautiful!

He won't admit it, but he loves these guys too!  Left to right, Juliet, Skunkbutt and Tango!  Oreo was being stuck up!  I'll catch him later!

Hope you enjoyed the show!