I think I've got the best blogging friends ever.

Ugh, where to start.  It's still a bad day, I think it's going to take some time to pull myself out of this this time around, but you guys?  You're all amazing.  I finally sat down and read through your posts, all the things you said, all the hope, all the encouragement, and I'm crying.  Again.

God, when did I become such a wreck!  I think it's taken me 46 years to realize that I don't have to always be a rock.  That's what I've been for a looong, long time.  Living with parents that were blind offered so many challenges, and losing my dad two weeks after I turned 17 just threw more of them into the mix.  As much as my Mom tried to be there for ME, I wouldn't let her.  I insisted on being the strong one.  The one who helped her see her way through the grief of losing a husband.  How the hell did I figure that was the right thing to do?  I was a kid!  I'd never had a husband, much less lost one.

When other events in my life would have left me broken, I told no one.  Dealt with it myself, even though I still have nightmares about that particular time.  I've got a wonderful Mom, a wonderful Husband, so why don't I ever let them help me?  Why have I always been so determined to get through everything by myself?  I think I feel some kind of foolish pride in being able to be like that.  To be able to take the worst life has to offer and throw it back, but I'm finding more and more that what I'm throwing back is a boomerang.  Sometimes it comes back right away, sometimes it takes years, but it always comes back.  Sooner or later.

I'm rambling again ugh!  Sorry guys, I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything you all said to me, it helped.  More than you know.  I think after all the times I've been pounced on to let people help me, it took you all to really make me see that there are people who care.  I've never really had friends, I guess in some ways I can sympathize with my kiddo about not feeling lovable.  Maybe I try too hard, maybe it's something I haven't figured out yet, but thats how it is.  My best friend lives in New York and maybe that's why she's still my best friend ha!  Other than her, it's just me and my little family pretty much.  Until now.

You're all scattered all over the country yet your words touched me, made me feel like there really are people out there who care, who willingly support me whether I'm trying to make you laugh, or well, like I was yesterday.  I've got my mom, my husband, but like my daughter, I know they love me and they're always going to be there for me.  It's part of the job.  I don't take them for granted, I don't, but this is different.  To know that people out there who have never met you, have only read words you've written on a screen, that those people are willing to reach out, to offer so much thought and consideration?  Thank you.  For making me feel not so terribly, horribly alone.

I love you guys for that.  I really do.  Thank you.