14 December 2010

I think I've got the best blogging friends ever.

Ugh, where to start.  It's still a bad day, I think it's going to take some time to pull myself out of this this time around, but you guys?  You're all amazing.  I finally sat down and read through your posts, all the things you said, all the hope, all the encouragement, and I'm crying.  Again.

God, when did I become such a wreck!  I think it's taken me 46 years to realize that I don't have to always be a rock.  That's what I've been for a looong, long time.  Living with parents that were blind offered so many challenges, and losing my dad two weeks after I turned 17 just threw more of them into the mix.  As much as my Mom tried to be there for ME, I wouldn't let her.  I insisted on being the strong one.  The one who helped her see her way through the grief of losing a husband.  How the hell did I figure that was the right thing to do?  I was a kid!  I'd never had a husband, much less lost one.

When other events in my life would have left me broken, I told no one.  Dealt with it myself, even though I still have nightmares about that particular time.  I've got a wonderful Mom, a wonderful Husband, so why don't I ever let them help me?  Why have I always been so determined to get through everything by myself?  I think I feel some kind of foolish pride in being able to be like that.  To be able to take the worst life has to offer and throw it back, but I'm finding more and more that what I'm throwing back is a boomerang.  Sometimes it comes back right away, sometimes it takes years, but it always comes back.  Sooner or later.

I'm rambling again ugh!  Sorry guys, I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything you all said to me, it helped.  More than you know.  I think after all the times I've been pounced on to let people help me, it took you all to really make me see that there are people who care.  I've never really had friends, I guess in some ways I can sympathize with my kiddo about not feeling lovable.  Maybe I try too hard, maybe it's something I haven't figured out yet, but thats how it is.  My best friend lives in New York and maybe that's why she's still my best friend ha!  Other than her, it's just me and my little family pretty much.  Until now.

You're all scattered all over the country yet your words touched me, made me feel like there really are people out there who care, who willingly support me whether I'm trying to make you laugh, or well, like I was yesterday.  I've got my mom, my husband, but like my daughter, I know they love me and they're always going to be there for me.  It's part of the job.  I don't take them for granted, I don't, but this is different.  To know that people out there who have never met you, have only read words you've written on a screen, that those people are willing to reach out, to offer so much thought and consideration?  Thank you.  For making me feel not so terribly, horribly alone.

I love you guys for that.  I really do.  Thank you.

7 comments:

  1. That's a great pin up girl. I love it. And, we all love you and are happy to help. Have a good night.

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  2. I'm much the same way. I take the brunt of all the crap and I hide behind a wall when it comes to personal, private pain (grieving).

    A lot had to do with the loss of my mom and how hard it was on my dad and his way of "dealing" with it. Even at 12 and 13 (and beyond) I knew that if I too fell apart, then everything else would just go to crap.

    So I sucked it up, trudged on and buried my pain, anger and hurt. Now, 20 years later, I am STILL dealing with my mom's death. But for ME.

    Doesn't help that my cornea transplant happened on that anniversary of losing her either.

    All in all, know that you are not alone in feeling like you HAVE TO BE the strong one...And soon I will feel the need to be that rock much sooner than I'd like to.

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  3. HI Sweetheart! Big HUGS to you! Sometimes life just SUCKS!
    Lately I've let myself cry, I have always tried so damn hard to hold back my tears and not show emotions. But why? Why do I do that? NO MORE........Cry because its such a great release. And it doesn't mean you are weak!
    I'm sorry I haven't stopped by your blog lately or commented, but I'll come around more often. You're so Awesome about coming to my blog and commenting. Thank you!

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  4. "To know that people out there who have never met you, have only read words you've written on a screen, that those people are willing to reach out, to offer so much thought and consideration? Thank you. For making me feel not so terribly, horribly alone." honestly so beautifully put. xoxox

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  5. I am here for you always. Lots of love! <3

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  6. your such a great person...you make me laugh and smile when i need it and i can so relate...muahhh! have a beautiful day!

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